Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
