every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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