first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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