He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
