I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
