i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
