Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
