If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize