There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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