oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
