My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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