that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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