You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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