You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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