I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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