my shit smells like andre
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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