Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
