he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Boobs speak an international language.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My bed smells like the plague
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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