Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
