I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
