Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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