I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
