Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
