I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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