Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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