I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
