I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
