i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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