proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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