i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
