oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize