I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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