I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
