she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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