Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
