All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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