You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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