ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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