She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
