It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
