i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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