think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
