i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
