Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
