I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
