my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
