I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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