She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
