He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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