I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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