I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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