obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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