Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
