I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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