Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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