he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
