What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
