i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
