I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
