Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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