someone owes me an orgasm
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
